Communicating Partners

Dr. James D. MacDonald's Website

Helping Parents Help Children. Programs for Parents, Therapists & Educators

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Adult Strategies

Adult Strategies (Adult Child Relationship Manual) -- Dr. Jim MacDonald

BALANCE: Develop an easy give-and-take where each of you takes turns and do as much as the other

Decrease (do less):

• Fails to wait for child.
• Acts much more than the child.
• Communicates much more than child.
• Makes all the choices and decisions.
• Dominates the turns.
• Allows child to dominate.
• Initiates more than responds.
• Responds more than intiates.
• Allows child to leave interactions.

Increase (do more):

• Waits for child to take his turn.
• Acts only as much as the child.
• Communicates as much as the child.
• Shares choices and decisions.
• Shares turns with child.
• Ensures child does not dominate.
• Initiates as much as responds.
• Responds as much as initiates.
• Keeps child for a few more turns.

MATCH: Help child learn by acting and communicating in ways he can try to do

Decrease (do less):

• Acts in ways child cannot do.
• Plays in ways child cannot do.
• Plays role of observer.
• Acts in ways unrelated to child's activitiy.
• Talks more than plays with child.
• Communicates outside child's experience.
• Expects child to do impossible.
• Expects child to do less than he can.
• Overstimulates the child.
• Understimulates the child.

Increase (do more):

• Acts in ways child can do.
• Plays in ways child can do.
• Plays role of partner.
• Acts in ways related to child's activity.
• Shows child new ways to play.
• Plays as much as talks.
• Communicates about child's experience.
• Expects child to do what is possible.
• Expects child to do his capacity.
• Reduces overstimulation.
• Provides effective stimulation.

RESPONSIVENESS: Responds to child's emerging/productive behaviors, not immature or negative behaviors.

Decrease (do less):

• Ignores child's actions.
• Ignores child's communications.
• Ignores child's interests.
• Responds in adult ways.
• Responds more to immature behavior.
• Responds to negative/disruptive behavior.
• Stimulates more than child can handle.
• Respond critically.
• Responds to old communications.
• Responds so that child leaves.

Increase (do more):

• Responds to child's actions.
• Responds to child's communications.
• Responds to child's interests.
• Responds in child-like ways.
• Responds more to mature behavior.
• Ignores negative/disruptive behavior.
• Stimulates child appropriately.
• Responds with acceptance.
• Responds more to new communications.
• Responds so child stays interacting.

SHARING CONTROL WITH CHILD: Allow adult and child to share control of interaction.

Decrease (do less):

• Controls agenda or activity.
• Ignores child's lead.
• Follows child's lead too much.
• Allows child to control interaction.
• Does too much for the child.
• Excessively questions or tests the child.
• Prevents the child from having his say.
• Provides few or no boundaries.
• Prevents child having effect on you.
• Allows the child no independence.
• Allows child to not cooperate.

Increase (do more):

• Shares agenda or activity with child.
• Follows child's lead.
• Shares the lead with the child.
• Requires child to allow you to interact.
• Allows child to do for self.
• Comments more than questions.
• Allows child to have his say.
• Provides clear boundaries.
• Allows child to have effects on you.
• Allows child reasonable independence.
• Requires child to cooperate.

EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT: Establish relationship that is playful and enjoyable for adult and child.

Decrease (do less):

• Makes interactions tense/ stressful.
• Criticizes and judges child.
• Interacts in rigid ways.
• Acts in formal and distant style.
• Keeps physical distance.
• Ignores or undoes child's attempts.
• Shows serious syle with little humor.
• Fails to keep child interacting.
• Provides little warmth and comfort.
• Expresses little or no affection.

Increase (do more):

• Accepts and enjoys the child.
• Interacts in flexible ways.
• Acts in informal and personal style.
• Interacts with contact and closeness.
• Supports and enhances child's attempts.
• Shows animated, humorous style.
• Regularly keeps child interacting.
• Provides consistent warmth and comfort.
• Expresses regular and genuine affection.

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